Paraphrase
by DotTheAmazing
Summary: Romeo and Juliet, paraphrased. In my cracky way. But all sticking to the plot! T for the events of the play, such as death, sex, all the normal things in Shakespeare. Tell me if I make a mistake, so I may fix it ASAP!
1. Act One, Scene One

**So this is my random rewrite/summary of Romeo and Juliet. Enjoy! Quite cracky. Me no owns this. Is it even copyrighted anymore, though? It's so old...  
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So some random dudes, who happen to be Capulets, insult some Montagues for no reason. Then, they randomly start fighting, and the entire town joins in. Finally, the Prince shows up, and makes them stop or he'll- he'll kill them! Yeah! And then it turns out Romeo, Montague, ditched the fight to stroll through the garden and mope about his one true love, Rosalind. Yep, Rosalind. He doesn't even know who Juliet is. So Benvolio, his biffle, teases him about being in love, and the scene ends.

**And this shall be updated as soon as I type up the next chappie! Yeah, total crack. Enjoy!**

**Me out.**


	2. Act One, Scene Two

**Next chappie already! Woot! This is Act One, Scene Two! Enjoy! Me no owny.**

Paris, random rich boy, is wondering why he can't marry Juliet. After all, she's already 13! Almost 14! She'll be old soon! Mr. Capulet says no, she should be older first. Then some stupid dude approaches Romeo and his biffles Benvolio and Mercutio, and asks them to read the names on a list of people invited to a Capulet party. He says they can come, if they aren't Montagues. And Romeo is all like- "ZOMG! Rosalind is going!", so his biffles decide to crash the party with him and take his mind off Rosalind, who hates him. Ah, unrequited love. The moral of the story!

**WOOT! Two chappies in ten minutes! But hey, they ARE short. But true! I will keep going! Trying to finish Act One before ten!**


	3. Act One, Scene Three

**And another one! Poppin them out like babies! *AWKWARD... turtle!* I don't own it.  
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Mrs. Juliet is treated to awkward baby stories of her daughter, who is quite embarrassed by them. And rightfully so! The nurse said she had a bump on her head as big as a chicken's balls! And how the Nurse's husband said that one day, she would fall on her back, an olde English euphemism for BE HAD SEX WITH! AWKWARD... So then Mrs. Capulet is all like "Hey, girlie, I had you when I was thirteen! Get hitched to Paris!" And Juliet is like, "No, woman! Maybe if I liked him, but no! I don't!" End scene!

**And the awkward turtle eats your brain and farts on your spleen! I wonder whether or not I am high on summer... WOOT SUMMER! And my temperature has been checked. Indeed I am HIGH on SUMMAH! XP**

**Direct quote:**

Nurse-"...it had upon it brow  
>A bump as big as a young cockerel's stone"<p>

"Yet, quoth my husband, fall'st upon thy face?  
>Thou wilt fall backward when thou comest to age"<p>

**No joke.**


	4. Act One, Scene Four

**EVEN MORE! An average of ten minutes a chapter, now. I still am not Shakespeare. Do I look like Shakespeare? Do I flirt with women from Freedonia like Shakespeare? ME NO OWN SEASON THREE ME WANTS SO BAD I CRY... KNOWS WHAT THAT IS OR I CURSE YOU! I CURSE YOU FOREVER!  
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Short and pointless. Romeo has a bad dream that he's doomed, but everyone ignores it, because genre-savviness hasn't been invented yet, sillies! Mercutio goes insane ranting about Queen Mab, and they all hike off to crash the party.

**Thanks to Sailor Dreamer95, for noting my mistake! Mercutio rants on Queen Mab, not Benvolio. Has been fixed **

**Please note I am high. I can write normally, but this is my summer present to me- a break from sanity and reason. And now I shamelessly promote my work. Sorry. You may skip this.**

**READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT READ IT!**


	5. Act One, Scene Five

**ZOMG MORENESS! If all the stories I liked were updated this fast, I would be happyful! And, do I look over 500 years old? I don't. So, I'm not Shakespeare!  
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Random servants complain that their life sucks. Mr. Capulet brags about how awesome he is. Tybalt goes ballistic and is ready to go onto the dance floor and kill Romeo, but Capulet stops him. Romeo sees Juliet, and then goes OMG THAT GIRL IS MEGA SUPER AWESOME HOT I LOVE HER SO MUCH WHAT'S HER NAME? They randomly make out twice, then find out each others' names. From other people. And the scene/act ends.

**Sill high! This is a funny chapter. Seriously, I think I've been doing this right. If you read Romeo and Juliet, this is what happened! Just not said as lewdly.  
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	6. Act Two, Scene One

**And again! Less than five minutes to write, because the scene is only 42 lines. I'm not old and balding. I'm not Shakespeare. I'm not a sex god. I'm not- wait, what was that last one?  
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Romeo breaks into the Capulet's grounds. Then, Benvolio and Mercutio talk about how stupid he is, and how sexy Rosalind is. Then they go home.

**And the crack continues! Romeo has, like, two lines, then hops the fence into the Capulets' place. Then Benvolio and Mercutio have 40 lines, and leave. Short!  
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	7. Act Two, Scene Two

**My favorite scene, IRL! Though, will not be the best to write... That'll be 5-3! Note: Am I a dude? No. That should solidify it. Wait- maybe it doesn't...  
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Romeo, in the Capulets' garden, spies on Juliet and pervs on her. Then, she confesses her love to a tree. She loves Romeo, and she's telling the tree. Just to clarify. She says the fifty most cliched lines ever, and he reveals himself as a stalker! And she decides they should get married! YAAY! But wait, Juliet- Didn't you meet him only two hours ago? And you say yourself, he hasn't said more than 100 words to you! But sure, why not! 13 is just fine to get hitched to men your parents despise, but not a guy your parents respect and approve of. Remember that, little girls! Juliet tells Romeo he should go away before they get caught, and she'll send a secret messenger at nine tomorrow. Lovey-dovey goodbye, then Romeo finally leaves. Perverted jerk.

**Wow... Long scene! I almost didn't put in enough crack, because I love this scene so much! But it shall be done, for the sake of Crackness!  
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	8. Act Two, Scene Three

****I have realized that I made a mistake in my numbering of the chapters, so Act II Scenes III-V are reposted.****

**AND ANOTHER ONE! I'm obviously not well versed in Iambic Pentameter or sonnets, so bugger off, people who think I'm a five-hundred-year-old man!  
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The creepyish Friar Lawrence picks herbs, and talks about how beautiful they are... Thankfully, Romeo interrupts, and asks the Friar to marry him to a girl. He asks if its Rosalind. Romeo has a brief moment where he has no idea who that is. She is never mentioned again. The Friar agrees to marry his obviously womanizing friend to the friend's worst enemy. Smart move, Friar. Smart move. End scene.

**This is very fun. Tee hee~. I may finish the play by the end of the day!**


	9. Act Two, Scene Four

****I have realized that I made a mistake in my numbering of the chapters, so Act II Scenes III-V are reposted.****

****This was originally marked as part of Scene III, but is in fact Scene IV.****

Romeo is hanging with his biffles again. Benvolio mentions that Tybalt, axe-crazy cousin of Juliet, has challenged Romeo to a duel to the death. Romeo and Mercutio tease each other about nothing in particular. Then, the Nuse walks in with her assistant, Peter. The boys make fun of her, until Romeo finds out Juliet has agreed to get hitched to a dude she has known for less than twelve hours. HOORAY! Benvolio and Mercutio don't hear this. They don't find out about the marriage until the end, in fact. Well, Romeo's some friend, huh... So then, Romeo arranges a time for the wedding, making time from meeting her to marrying her approximately 20 hours. The Nurse goes to tell Juliet this. End scene.

**All true. Really, it takes place in less than five days! An entire play! Most think it was years of star-crossed love from afar, but no. Two meetings, twenty hours.**


	10. Act Two, Scene Five

****I have realized that I made a mistake in my numbering of the chapters, so Act II Scenes III-V are reposted.****

**More! I'm getting tired... Well, this is chapter 11. I'm not saying it again. I ain't a dude. I ain't old. I ain't Shakespeare.  
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Juliet babbles on about how late the Nurse is, when she finally arrives. Then, Juliet babbles on about how silly the Nurse is for not forgetting her own issues and only caring about Juliet's love life. FINALLY, the Nurse tells Juliet she is to be married in a few hours. She is ecstatic, and begins to prepare.

**More stuff! And I cheer for the loss of my sanity! Cheer! Cheer! More up soon! Cheer! Cheer!**


	11. Act Two, Scene Six

****I have realized that I made a mistake in my numbering of the chapters, so Act II Scenes III-V have been reposted.****

**Here we go! New chapter this time!**

Romeo and Juliet get hitched, and the Friar makes a sex joke.

...That's it. End scene and Act.

**Really, a very short scene. However, very important for obvious reasons.**

**Thanks to SailorDreamer95, Giraffes4Ever, and StupidLittleMeInBritain for their reviews.**


	12. Act Three, Scene One

A big, long, important scene! Wait... aren't Romeo and Juliet public domain now? Do I even have to do a disclaimer?

Benvolio tells Mercutio they should go away before some Capulet sees them and starts a fight. Mercutio then teases Benvolio that, because of his eye color, Benvolio starts a bajillion fights. Um, what? Well, Tybalt shows up and politely asks where Romeo is. Mercutio and Benvolio respond to this ax-crazy by... teasing him. Okay, they're asking for it now. Thankfully, Romeo shows up looking like he's high, and Tybalt calls him a villain. Go Tybalt! Both pedophilia and drugs are very bad! But Romeo, being high (on love, btw, not cocaine), just tells Tybalt that, as Barney advises, we should all be FRIENDS. Tybalt laughs at this. Of course, laughing at someone who is both obviously criminally stupid and high is a TERRIBLE OFFENSE, so Mercutio decides to fight Tybalt. Romeo, trying to stop this, gets his biffle stabbed. Mercutio starts off saying he's fine, but then he DIES. This, btw, is when Mercutio famously says 'a plague a' both your houses!' In a FURIOUS RAGE, Romeo kills Tybalt. Damn. Of course, Benvolio then has Romeo FLEE before the Prince shows up and has him killed.

BTW, Mercutio was the Princes's beloved cousin. So, when he finds out that Tybalt died in revenge for Mercutio's death, he lowers Romeo's sentence from death to... BANISHMENT. DUHN DUHN DUUUUUUUUHN. End scene.

**Yep. Long scene. And Romeo doesn't actually mention Barney, it's just funny to think of. Heh.**


End file.
